Dave Barry has the “mocking Florida” situation well in hand. For that public service we should all thank him. A while ago I bought his first pure fiction book: Big Trouble. It was excellent and I recommend it to everyone. (My dog would like to note that the book was released in 1999 and I probably read it then. My dog insists that 18 years is not “a while”. I would like to note that my dog is overly pedantic and will not get a treat after dinner tonight.)
After I read the book I eagerly awaited the move; called (creatively enough) Big Trouble. I loved the movie too. I recommend it to everyone as well. The movie playfully satirized just about everything Floridian. I think we can all agree that’s a task that needs doing.
Unfortunately, a portion of the plot involved lambasting inept airport security. With cosmic levels of bad luck, the movie was scheduled to be released on September 21, 2001. Ten days before the movie’s release, America suddenly lost all sense of humor.
Dave Barry’s movie was good. He should be living in a solid gold house. But life isn’t like that.
So, why am I rambling about a decades old movie? Because of Gator fans. Here’s a clip from the movie:
You know who else is a Gator fan? Former United States Congresswoman Corrine Brown. She’s the one that reminded me of the menace of Gator fans. Mrs. Brown served in Congress from 1993 until she lost in 2016. Recently, in an event which I desperately want to believe would have happened no matter what party won (because to think otherwise is depressing), she was convicted of tax fraud involving a bogus charity (it sounded like an open and shut case). This Monday she was sentenced to 5 years.
More to the point, she’s a Gator fan and therefore should be mocked. In particular, at 2:20 she utters a sentence that I still, after playing it several times, cannot decode. What the fuck is she saying? The whole thing is 3:38, listen for yourself:
Yep, that’s a real Congressperson spending time at a podium during Congressional activities in 2009. She’s imparting the following crucial information:
“One, two, three, four, five, them there Gators don’t take no jive!”
Who needs to study the great philosophers? Cato the Elder, Seneca the Younger, Aristotle, Plato? Get real! All we need to know is Gators don’t take no jive. Bask in the glory of her words and wonder at the manifest excellent in governance before you!