Billy Deploys An Attitude Adjustment: Part 02: The Church Of Awesome

Billy stood before the big glass doors and smiled. It was an all-night convenience store. It was devoid of customers, except Billy. It was all for him!

He took a step forward and the doors opened noiselessly. Merely a matter of proximity sensors and motors but it felt like the building was welcoming him; indicating that he, Billy, was a full citizen to the nation of plenty within.

He was there to buy sugar and (more importantly) use a credit card while doing it. The sugar was for the gas tank of an Audi belonging to his ex-girlfriend’s (that bitch!) current boyfriend (asshole!).

Billy had mixed feelings about the sugar. The logic of committing a crime (vandalism?) and leaving a faint trail in that direction specifically to obfuscate much greater crimes sounds good, but only in theory. Once you’re doing it in reality, it seems like overthinking things is making you catch yourself on behalf of lazy cops. For that matter, the recent whirlwind of online purchases sent to random locations and epic levels of account shuffling, seemed only vaguely illegal and not clear cut like trashing a dude’s car. Billy sighed, that was the root of it. The car. He had to admit all his misgivings were just rationalizing his distress about the car. Billy was a man of morals. He was ethically troubled by injuring an Audi.

In a better world, he could just piledrive the twit who needed a good ass kicking and leave the innocent Audi out of it. But life is not ideal. He had to agree with Doogie that a property crime against an Audi was a small and likely ignorable event compared to someone found laid out cold in a parking lot.

People are strange that way.

Any donations will be taken to the Church of Awesome and exchanged for diesel and beef jerky:


About AdaptiveCurmudgeon

Adaptive Curmudgeon is handsome, brave, and wise.

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4 Responses to Billy Deploys An Attitude Adjustment: Part 02: The Church Of Awesome

  1. richardcraver says:

    There is no such animal as an innocent Audi.
    Somehow I picturee Billy walking up on the teutonic heap humming, 🎵 It’s Audi-Duty Time🎵!

    • AdaptiveCurmudgeon says:

      Ha ha ha… I love the pun. I started thinking Billy ought to be carrying an aluminum baseball bat while approaching the Audi too. There’s always time for a rewrite. 🙂 Then I looked for a Howdy Doody clip and decided it’s almost frighteningly weird. The past truly is a foreign country.

      Then, given Billy’s generation, I wondered if he should be dancing up the Audi with a one handed sledge. He’d do some slick footwork and then say “Stop! Hammer time!” before wailing on the poor car. (The song’s the right generation, but I doubt Billy would be caught dead wearing baggy pants.)

  2. richardcraver says:

    That’s what we call it when an Audi comes through the shop, which is thankfully seldom as we are Acura/Honda specific. Occasionally one of our customers will drag their ‘foreign’ car in for a state inspection.

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