Road To Portland: Part 6: Carpe-ing The Diem

Billy was itching to deliver a pizza.  You can’t make money just standing around.

The phone rang and an order went up on the screen. Two small vegetarian pizzas for a few blocks away. Billy recognized the address. It was a PTA meeting. Bad tippers. Annoying customers. Even so…

He reached up to punch the button, thus taking the delivery, but was distracted by an icon at the base of the screen. An internet based order was coming through. Even in this day and age, few people ordered pizza from a web browser. Billy, an Uber driver, couldn’t understand this. He hesitated, maybe the other delivery would be better.

Robert reached in front of him and snagged the PTA job. That dick!

The internet order came through. Ten pizzas! But something was wrong; no voice contact number, unusual address, it looked like a prank. Billy had been burned before.

Eighty miles away Bart was nursing a paw he’d bruised while bashing in the window of someone’s car. Mary and Terry were doing God knows what with the little white object they’d instructed him to steal.

“They’re not going for it!” Mary whined. “Nobody delivers this far.”

They’d promised Bart food and he wasn’t seeing it. He’d just fallen for an idiot squirrel plan! How could something so small have food in it? “If you don’t get me food immediately, you will have a second nemesis!” Bart roared.

Terry, realizing this was their last chance, made a bold move. She appended a note to the order. “THIS IS NOT PRANK. HUGE TIP. TXT FOR DETAILS.”

Billy took the bait. He fished out his phone and texted. Meanwhile the restaurant manager, an overweight, middle aged victim of a lifetime of fast food, clomped over to the screen. “Eighty-mile delivery? Stupid web browser brings out the freaks.” He cleared the screen and waddled off.

Billy didn’t expect much but he sent the text anyway. “WRNG ADDR. 80 MILES! WTF?”

The response was instant. “WE’RE HUNGRY. HUGE TIP.”

Billy sighed but responded. “NOBODY DELIVERS 80 MILES. DIPSHIT.”

Another fast response. “CAN PAY. BEAR WILL EAT US IF YOU DON’T DELIVER.”


Just then Robert rolled back into the parking lot. Billy had missed a job. It was a crap job but any job beat none. He really was a loser.

Was that his former girlfriend in Robert’s Audi? That asshole! That bitch!

Just then a fellow Uber driver texted him. “CHK UBER RIDE LIST :-)”

Billy clicked “available” on Uber. Someone was looking for an 80-mile ride originating from his location. The destination address matched the pizza order. None of the drivers was willing to touch it.

He slipped out of the restaurant and texted the pizza person again. “IF I TAKE THE UBER I WANT A TIP THAT’LL GIVE ME AN ERECTION.” Then he sent his PayPal link. He noticed that Robert and his ex-girlfriend were still in the Audi.

The phone vibrated again. PayPal was reporting an incoming transaction. “You received a payment of $500 USD from Nutlover64. Description ‘take Uber cab we ordered, we’ll pay for Uber, you just ride, don’t forget anchovies’.”

Billy told his boss he was feeling sick and had to go home. His boss accepted the lame excuse without batting an eye. He was an uncharacteristically reasonable supervisor. He knew Billy was on a shoestring and would make more driving drunks home from bars than delivering pizzas to drunks. On a slow night like this Lord Fauntleroy and his damn Audi could handle things.

Billy paid cash for ten pizzas (with extra anchovies!), accepted the Uber ride (which was a huge sum in its own right!), and rolled out.

He had a huge erection.

Every time someone clicks the button below an English major cries in their Latte.

About AdaptiveCurmudgeon

Adaptive Curmudgeon is handsome, brave, and wise.
This entry was posted in Chapter 3 - Road To Portland, Lesbian Squirrels, Sagas, Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Road To Portland: Part 6: Carpe-ing The Diem

  1. Could you post these two links? Our local elementary school had a fire and needs help.

    Thank you!

    • AdaptiveCurmudgeon says:

      Sorry it took so long but I’ve been off grid. Here are the links. I hope they get some good from the minuscule publicity I can offer.

      Incidentally I’ll start posting again shortly… though it was a glorious off grid “vacation” so neglecting my blog for a few days was worth it.

  2. Was it a schadenboner?

    • AdaptiveCurmudgeon says:


      But no. Billy has no idea of the squirrel’s self destructive tendencies at this point in the story so consider it good old capitalist glow.

Leave a Reply