I was pleased with last week’s series of posts. I managed to make jokes about racism, exploding skunks, and Walmart. The world needs bullshit that doesn’t run for office and I aim to please. Also any time you type the word “racism” into a keyboard without inciting an angry mob of unemployable yahoos hyperventilating into their smartphones you’ve won the lottery. Furthermore, I made a joke about Walmart that’s original. I’d done good.
But I’m not sure I’ve finished the story.
In the aftermath of one of the posts I made an offhand comment. The phrase I invented, specifically meant to be nonsensical, was “lesbian squirrels or an oak tree with Wi-Fi”. Someone seized upon that and implored me to make a post about just that very topic. “Yes! Put a lesbian activist squirrel in the story. … Everyone who wants a lesbian squirrel in the story say ‘Yes’.”
As you might’ve guessed it doesn’t take much to talk me into doing something stupid. It was one of those “hold my beer while I fire up the keyboard” moments. However, I had no plan in mind and decided I’d rather change the oil in the lawnmower. Life is full of tradeoffs.
Later, in comments to another one of that series’ posts, someone said the ending could be better. Of course it could better. It could be rational, intelligent, thoughtful, or… maybe… just maybe I really needed lesbian squirrels? I made another offhand comment; “hit my tip jar and I’ll write an alternate ending involving lesbian squirrels.”
This got me a comment from someone who said “how much?” and I knew I’d started a movement. How does one put a price on lesbian squirrels? Obviously they’re vegan squirrels and likely gluten free, but the cost for their story? I had no idea. Perhaps I’d written a check my ass was going to have to cash? Nah! I had a sip of bourbon and explained my situation to my dog who told me to forget about it.
However, by late afternoon Sunday there were two tips in my PayPal account! While I was busy tearing out rotten boards in a shed, the internet had conspired against me.
The gauntlet has been thrown! If I pick it up… then what?
I still haven’t decided if I’m going to put lesbian squirrels post(s) together but I have to admit the idea is percolating in my demented little mind. Like I’ve said before, it doesn’t take much to convince me to do stupid things. In fact the gluten thing is a done deal now in my head even if I haven’t written it out. It simply can’t be any other way… But I digress.
Here’s the deal:
If five people make a deposit, of any amount, into my tip jar… I will explain the lesbian squirrel angle. It will involve Edward the eagle; because it must. There will be herbal tea; because lesbians. That’s all I’m promising.
I fear it’s almost a done deal. Yet, this is America in 2016 and I’m betting on mass ambivalence to save me. Mrs. Curmudgeon, on the other hand, is chuckling at my distress and thinks that I’ve painted myself in a corner. (No fair if she’s the one that hits the tip jar!)
Five tips and I’ll do it. It’s in your hands folks.
We need the activisit lesbian squirrel PLUS we should have the owl (barn owl?) as a therapist for the bear. Obviously he was the “Victim”.
The activist lesbian squirrell could give a class on white lgbt Victim-Hood:)
leaperman
Gauntlet accepted. You already got my ten bucks. Come on people. Three more tips and we get another curmudgeon special.
I’ve got you now Curmudgeon! Mwahahahah! I posted in Baen’s bar to hit your tip jar.
The Kratskeller
You are toast now. Break out the typewriter and the thinking grease.
leaperman
http://bar.baen.com
http://bar.baen.com/index.php?t=msg&th=127521&start=0&
Do lesbian squirrels prefer artificial acorns?
Do androids dream of electric sheep?
Maybe you could make them Lebanese squirrels instead? Or thespian squirrels?
}:-]
Nope, the die is cast. They also have to be activists apparently. (I’m not fully in control of this.)
I have a few tips… not enough to put me in the noose yet though.
Dory the activist squirrel, images of ellen degeneres voice echoes like sugarplums.
(just making a joke…whatever is good for you name…etc.)
leaperman
Well shit! A fifth tip has arrived.
The threshold had been breached. The Rubicon has been crossed. My fate is sealed and now I’m going to have to figure out what those damn squirrels have been up to.
I honestly thought “betting on mass ambivalence to save me” was a good plan. I lose!
Maybe it will be time to resurrect Spike to save the day?
}:-]
Ha! You lost.
The penalty is that you have to write the story and ALSO become a BarFly. Yes. The dreaded Baen barflies strike yet again. Join the dark side. We have cookies!
Everyone say his to the curmudgeon. His stories are awesome and he would fit in here perfectly. He’s a nut just like us.
http://bar.baen.com
http://bar.baen.com/index.php?t=msg&th=127521&start=0&
leaperman
The curmudgeon might have to voyage outside with his trusty .22 to search for free range targets if he requires inspiration.
Funny you should mention that! I was thinking of doing that very thing this weekend!
Hmmm … it’s not just the squirrels that are nutty! >};o)
Just make sure that the nuts are free range, organic and certified nuts. Oh, wait ….