“There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.” Douglas Adams, Hitchhiker’s Guide to The Galaxy
I’ve been told to believe too much inconsistent nonsense and it’s bad juju. Therefore I’ve sifted through a small sample of bullshit which has been shoveled my way and started a list (in no particular order) of “concepts which piss me off” (TM).
- People who would ban cigarettes and legalize pot at the same time: If you smoke many cigarettes over several years you face an elevated risk of cancer. Everyone and their dog has understood this for 50 years. Some folks decided that they are extra-special and have Godlike powers of awesomeness. Thus they’re justified in coercing other people to stop smoking. They regulate, tax, sue, and harass the hell out of smokers safe in the conceit that they’re morally superior instead of just the petty bully they look like to me. Some tobacco Nazis simultaneously turn the dial to eleven and think it would be groovy to legalize marijuana. Once you’re confident in outlawing cigarettes on the way to a legal toke why not just make a law that everyone ought to be just like you?
- The rope argument: Hemp was historically used to make rope but now it’s banned as part of the “war on (some) drugs”. So what? Nobody gives a shit about rope made with hemp versus rope made from nylon. You’re not fooling anybody. Be honest and say you want to legalize pot because it feels good. You’ll get my vote anyway. Also quit bitching about glaucoma. I’m happy with “it makes Pink Floyd sound better”. Honesty is superior to obtuse discussions of eighteenth century rope technology.
- The muffler / suppressor paradox: I’m required by law to maintain mufflers on my vehicles. This mitigates the theoretical risk loud engines pose to other people’s hearing. My rifle will unquestionably damage exposed ears. I am banned by law from equipping it with a suppressor to mitigate the demonstrable risk it poses to my hearing. Go ahead. Ponder that for a moment.
- Cheap is good except when it’s not: I was told that it’s a good thing to have “affordable housing” for the poor. When the real estate market crashed, housing got a whole lot more “affordable”. Success! Except the government is turning somersaults to prop up housing prices. Either cheap is good or cheap is bad. Pick a goal and go with it!
- If it saves just one life it’s worth it: No its not! Life is dangerous and we’re all mortal. Get over it and make your own choices about risk. Then leave my choices the hell alone. Mandatory helmets on a motorcycle make no sense when you compare a Harley to a Volvo. Mandatory seatbelts in a Volvo make no sense when you compare hurtling down the highway in a Volvo to sitting on your couch. More people are killed with hammers than assault rifles, more people drown in swimming pools than die of Ebola, and you’ll be hit by lightning before you win the lottery. Suck it up puss. Ralph Nader can take his “unsafe at any speed” sensibilities and go cry under his bed like the scared little shit he is! I’ll be rocketing down the freeway on my deathtrap motorcycle with a Glock in my pocket and a smile on my face.
- Who needs that: I do. I need it. I need it now. I need it because I’m big and bad and rich and scary and awesome and you’re a bully who wants to control others to make yourself feel good about your failed little ignorant existence. You don’t get to decide if I need a 450 horsepower muscle car, sixty guns, a dog bigger than Detroit, and a full collection of the Monkees greatest hits on 45 RPM vinyl. If I can afford it and I want it I’m going to have it. That’s what freedom is all about.
- Cheap is good except when it’s not: Gun control fans call cheap pistols “Saturday Night Specials” and claim they serve no purpose but to commit crime. Funny thing but my cheap guns never commit crimes. Nor would I feel somehow better if Tony Soprano did me in with a pearl handled classic worth more than my car. The phrase “Saturday Night Special” was coined because “we can’t let poor people have guns” doesn’t sound good on TV. This concept also rears it’s head whenever someone opines that a $0.50 tax on a round of ammo will somehow improve the universe.
- Destroying things is good: Cash for clunkers used tax dollars to destroy functioning but obsolete vehicles. It had no effect on the lifestyle of sanctimonious urbanites who never drive crappy old cars but I personally got hosed. I’d like to say a solid “fuck you” to the assholes who used my my tax dollars to nuke my supply of inexpensive parts and replacement vehicles. Destroying something poor people need so rich people can feel good is a rotten trick.
- The intolerant tolerant: There is a significant overlap in the yoyos who harangue me about being tolerant and the jackoffs that get the vapors over a Nativity scene at Christmas. How intolerant is someone who drops a legal deuce on a whole religion’s peaceful vision of global spiritual redemption? If you’re too special to simply ignore the Nativity you left “tolerant” in the rear view mirror years ago.
- Europhiles who haven’t been there: I’ve been told ad infinitum that America should be more like Europe. There is a place that’s a lot more European than America. It’s called Europe. I’ve been there. Meh. Europe has good points and bad points but it’s not Utopia. Many of the people who extol Europe’s superiority are excited about a dreamy eyed never never land of socialist awesomeness that doesn’t match reality.
- Honesty in everything that doesn’t matter: If athlete A and athlete B compete in the 100 meter dash, the one with the fastest time wins. We all get that. If student A and student B compete in college admissions their test scores are but one of many factors blah blah blah diversity blah blah blah underprivileged blah blah blah. Bullshit!
- Human Resource Departments: The ability to do a job and getting hired for it should be a one to one correlation. When you’re applying to be a transmission mechanic the person who does the interview had better know how to swap a clutch.
- More on gun control: Regardless of your politics on the matter, I want everyone to admit one thing; nobody has ever been shot by a criminal and gone to their grave thinking “at least it didn’t have a bayonet mount”.